The poem gets better as you read it. The last seven lines, especially, are great. They give me that wonderful feeling on my tongue that says - read this aloud! -

My only problem is with the first two lines: I don't like the two 'my's. I much prefer "The cool night breeze that lifts sheaves of paper off my desktop".

So, erm, I didn't rip apart much.

All in all, delumptious!

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Literature Gallery Moderator

For Writers: Resource Central: Part One | Resource Central: Part Two

Thanks for a delightful comment. I'd like everything I write to be read aloud, ideally. On a re-read, I think you're completely right. What would you say if I changed the the first 'my' to 'the'? I need a syllable there for my metre, and if I have bad metre I go very quiet and start wobbling.

Ta very much!

Soothing sounds and the evenness of word placement makes this one feel much like a night train ride through the country. You want it ripped apart, and that's what I'll do...partially. Obviously, please take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm nowhere near perfect, and my opinions are just that--opinions. Here goes:

The cool night breeze that lifts the sheaves

of paper off my desktop, breathes
It is not necessary for tambre to have all the extraneous words. In the first couple of lines, it would sound better to say "[A] cool night breeze lifts the sheaves/ of paper off my desk, and breathes". I feel that the cadence is improved with the conjunction "and" because it provides a pause/ break in concepts and also heightens the reader's awareness of the sheaves/breathes parallel.

an admonition, whispers "seize

the night, the water, take your leave
No nits. I think the repitition of articles enhances the mood.

of drudge and study, walk and wander

in the darkness" - what a darkness.
I don't like "drudge". I think there are a million other words that would work better here...particularly an alliterative word to match "study"...like "walk" and "wander". I like the concept behind "drudge", obviously, but I think there are better choices.

Candle-still, the most serene

impermanent and evergreen
Did you get stuck with "evergreen"? It's rather contradictory to "impremanent" don't you think? Maybe the problem is just "impermanent" because if you're describing something evergreen and candle-still and serene, the last thing I think of is something impermanent.

is outside, inside there's a screen

of scrolling soulless typset screams,
Interesting alliterative patterns, but somewhat inconsistent. "Soulless" is typically overdone, I would attempt a more oomph-word. I also think there needs to be a more halting punctuation mark between "outside" and "inside". Why "screams"?

strip lighting and a coke machine

and me, and my despondent rut

that makes me pull the curtains shut.
Absolutely no nits here. Very, very strong ending. I enjoyed this piece immensely, and the ending lines are what pulls everything together. Vivid and strong.

Hope this helps. If you want more in-depth, ask.

--
"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am."
--Sylvia Plath

____________________________

Thank you so much for a wonderfully perceptive and thought-provoking critique. You make strong points with literally every, er, point, and I will certainly come back to this tomorrow with these comments in mind. I'm an inveterate tinkerer anyway, so most of these will probably be taken on board in some form. (Just one thing I have to say on impermanent and evergreen: have you ever been to Venice? The city is contradiction, which practically every hack scribbler has noticed and abused; I'm no different.)

Thanks again, it's very appreciated.

Of course I've been to Venice, silly! Italia is a country of contradiction...especially down South. You have a wonderful talent. I'm glad to add anything I can.

Always,
Christiana.

--
"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am."
--Sylvia Plath

____________________________

Why, shucks.

And now I know your name.

I really, really love listening to this in my head. Beautiful. I'm going to Advanced Crit this because I like hearing it and hearing it as I crit. Yay.

"The cool night breeze that lifts the sheaves

of paper off my desktop, breathes

an admonition, whispers "seize

the night, the water, take your leave

of drudge and study, walk and wander

in the darkness" - what a darkness."

You need to remove the comma after 'desktop' or the phrase isn't nice and grammatical. I know 'desktop breathes' reads awkwardly, so you can either use an 'and' or change your enjambment. I'm not sure about 'cool' just for my own pedantic reasons- is the coolness a good quality or bad? Does the coolness change how you feel about the breeze (i.e., you're hot, and so it makes the breeze refreshing, or you're cold so it makes the breeze more unpleasant)? 'admonition' sounds very general- you have it scolding you somehow, and then the specificness of what it wants you to do; it goes from being general to specific, and it would be nice to be more specific throughout. I have no issues with the sound of 'drudge' and 'study' as the assonance is wonderful, but I would like a more specific word than 'drudge'. What is the drudge that goes along with the study? Show me! 'Walk' and 'wander' are saying the exact same (see, I'm being repetitive too!) thing, and I think you could find another 'wa' word that will mean something different. I just don't see the purpose of the repetition there besides sounding cool (which it really does, but that's not the point!) I also don't know why 'what a darkness' is there, because to me, it doesn't add much to the poem except keep the meter.

"Candle-still, the most serene

impermanent and evergreen

is outside, inside there's a screen

of scrolling soulless typset screams,

strip lighting and a coke machine

and me, and my despondent rut

that makes me pull the curtains shut."

Candle-still is such a cool word, but how still is candle-still? I'm not sure it brings a concrete stillness to mind- then again, I've almost never had a candle outdoors at night. The most serene and evergreen what is outside...? You're crashing into abstraction in this part, which isn't always bad, but it's usually best to avoid (serene, impermanent, soulless, despondant). I actually like 'soulless' here, because it does add to the image of the horrible, horrible task of writing formal essays AND it sounds cool. I love "strip lighting and a coke machine" which sets the atmosphere perfectly. Again, I'm not fond of 'despondent' because I'm on an anti-abstraction-for-the-most-part kick. The closing IS strong, and sound-wise, this is such a fun piece to read, even if somber in subject- you have marvelous alliteration and assonance.

It's only 3:23 here, though! No, I am NOT going to wait to submit this, so there.

What a spectacular critique. This probably took you longer than I spent on the poem. Thanks so much; I don't deserve you. I won't respond properly now, because I'm dying of smallpox* but I'll get into this when the time comes, which I hope will be soon.




*that is to say, writing an economics paper

*soap opera voice* No, no you *don't* deserve me, which is why our relationship will never last. Don't you see, John, that I have needs too? I have needs! And who was that sexy blond you were flirting with in that bookstore? Don't lie to me, I saw you! Next you'll tell me your life-threatening disease is really an excuse to spend another night working instead of with me. You'll work yourself to death! I thought you loved me! */soap opera voice*

Man, I have too much fun. That being said, you're welcome, and you very well deserve that.

That's a first line that made me fall in love with it. Immediately. Absolutely.

For some reason, my brain read the following alternative version at the same time:

The cool night breeze that shifts the leaves

Was that intended?

Otherwise: typeset! Can't believe no one else caught that. I don't get strip lightning. Explain pls? Or draw me a picture.

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SINAI BENDS